Happy Valentines Day from The Beer Report! Chud here on this most sad, capitalist cash grab of holidays to bring you a beer review and some much needed relationship advice. Fist off let me give you a piece of historical information on this joyous day. Did you know there were actually fourteen St. Valentines? Yep, there were. What’s the more important to remember though is that all fourteen were martyred. How appropriate for a holiday about relationships.
You may be wondering, “How is it Mr. Chud , that on a day such as this, do you have the time to write us wonderful inebriated soliloquies when certainly your wife must want all of your attention?” Well adoring fans, it’s because AB and I understand something about respecting the truth and it has set us free. Most couples are stressing out about making sure whatever meaningless gifts they decide to shower each other with represent a deep enough cash investment to impress their partner, and at the same time suppress the anxiety they feel that this other person doesn’t really love them, but the stuff they have. We have dug deep and gained a profound secret to give each other what most people in a relationship want. A simple night of solitude to do what ever the hell you want without intrusion. Now THAT’S a fucking gift of love! It’s calm trust that you don’t have to be up each others asses every moment of every day without thinking the other person will be getting plowed by the UPS guy or banging coworkers to spite your inattention. Contrary to popular belief, life isn’t usually short. It’s actually a long fucking time. You’re going to be married most of it if you start before forty. Get your own life and enjoy, let your partner enjoy theirs and you’ll get along much better for it. We’ll exchange sweet glances walking between the kitchen and bathroom, both just generally happy the other one is happy. Is that really such a hard concept to wrap your head around?
On to the beer! I’m having a glass of beer that comes in a bottle size that mirrors most of your relationship skills. By that I mean inadequate. It’s only seven ounces. I have here a bottle of Rogue XS Imperial IPA. It pours like a long married woman; a dark copper color like it’s spent too much time in the sun, not very bubbly, and barely giving any head. This bitch hasn’t bothered getting pretty and putting any lace on anytime recently either. What do you know, she’s quite bitter too! There is a hint of sweetness, letting you know she was probably cool back when she was a teenager, and probably even into her early 20’s, but now it’s a cursory smile before she readies herself to unleash her spite on that annoying cunt in the office who she feels is always condescending towards her. No, not on the woman she’s angry at stupid, she unleashes that shit on you when you get home from work. You’ve got a lot of learning to do newb. Don’t worry, you’ll make some exasperated dick comment soon enough and legitimately turn that anger towards yourself soon enough.
So how’s the beer? Well it’s actually pretty good. Though honestly like Valentines Day it’s atrociously gawdy and over the top. Sure it’s hoppy, it’s tasty, but is worth the kind of monetary investment you made in it? Actually, getting the smaller bottle is probably better. I may have been more upset had I spent $15 on a larger bottle. It has a great base but the mix of Cascade, Saaz, NW Golding, and Rogue hops doesn’t really pull off all it hopes too. If they had gone to just Cascade the hell out of it the beer probably would have worked. Instead it kind of comes off like a warring cluster fuck of bitterness by opposing parties vying for your attention. It seemed like it was probably a good idea at the time, kind of like that threesome that left you both never trusting each other again, but in the long run things just didn’t work out quite as planned. This beer would have benefited from a little of what AB and I gave each other tonight; breathing space. Life is long. You don’t have to drink all the hops you have at once. Relax. Overall, this beer is going to end like most of my relationships. I’ll be sitting at my computer alone and looking for a(nother) beer.
2 1/2 out of 5 I.B.U.’s